Holiday Spirits

Satiricus was tickled. If his pigmentation had allowed it, he would have been tickled pink. He’d received his Christmas bonus, and his eyes had bulged at the number on the cheque. Not trusting luck or fate, he’d slipped out of the pre-Christmas festivities and cashed the cheque before the boss man could change his mind – or realise his mistake? Laden with cash, as he ambled over to his car, a disheveled and dirty-looking bum approached him. The panhandler asked Satiricus for a “freck”. Satiricus asked him, “You going to buy rum?”

The bum looked at Satiricus with eyes opened wide and replied plaintively, “No, sir! Not me!”

Satiricus then asked, “What about cigarettes? You going to buy cigarettes?” With eyes opened even wider, the bum shook his head and said firmly, “No sir!” Satiricus grabbed the bum by the arm and said excitedly, “Buddy, let me take you home so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or smoke!” All the gang cracked up as Satiricus related the tale that evening at the old watering hole.

“I hope you gave the man something, Mr Stingy!” Samad sputtered.

“Man, I was feeling so good, I gave him a thousand!” Satiricus smiled widely, “After my wife saw him!” “She OK with you drinking now?” Suresh wanted to know. “Nah! But you know, it’s good she reminds me. She’s my conscience.” “But you na none drink man, Satiricus,” Cappo pronounced. As a cane cutter, Cappo had his reputation to uphold and defend.

“That’s right! Actually, it only takes one beer to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the 13th or 14th!” Still chuckling, Hari chimed in, “That reminds me about my neighbour Patrick. The man used to come home drunk every night.

His wife couldn’t take it anymore. So, one night she hides by the graveyard Patrick had to pass on his way home.

“As Patrick is staggering by, his wife jumps from behind a headstone covered with a white sheet. She screams in a maniacal voice, ‘Patrick! If you na stop this blasted drinking, it’s Hell fo you!” “Patrick staggered backwards, unfazed and demanded, ‘Who the hell are you ?’ “‘Me a de Devil, you old fool!’ the wife said in a deep voice.

“To which Patrick stuck out his hand and remarked, ‘Very glad to meet you sir. I married you sister.’” As the laughter and banter continued, later that evening, Cappo looked sentimentally over to his friend and cane-cutting partner Bungi, “Bungi, abee a friend now fo 20 years. If me dead befo you, me want you fo get wan bottle a 10-year-old El Dorado and pour am over me grave.”

Bungi looked back just as sentimentally and replied seriously, “Me go glad fo do dat fo you, me old friend. But you mind if me pass am through me bladder first?” Satiricus looked over the gathering. He might have finished his 14th beer. He raised his beer bottle and intoned.

“Let me pass on some crucial advice my father gave me when I went away to college:

SYMPTOM:

FAULT:

ACTION:

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.” And a merry time was held by one and all.Glass being held at incorrect angle. Feet cold and wet.